My appologies for not keeping up with this blog so much. A lot has happened here and at home and I'll get around to telling the stories shortly. This past weekend we took a retreat to the woods to the Agapae Community, in the woods of Ware, Massachusetts. I wondered around the woods alot, made some pine needle and wintergreen tea, and saw some garlic mustard, striped wintergreen, eastern hemlock, and all kinds of plants. We played music and sang songs. All of the plants and stringed instruments reminded me of my friend Gus who I haven't seen or heard from since August, and will never see or hear from again except in my memories.
Nearly a month ago, I experienced arguably the worst week of my life when I heard about Gus' violent end and tragic death. I've been trying to understand, cope, and process what happens next. Please humor me as I tell the long but not long enough story of a friend who made me much of who I am today. May these words remind those who knew him of some happier times when he was showing us what "life" meant. And many who he touched have much more to say about him on facebook: https://www.facebook.com/#!/CelebratingGusDeeds
He didn't go out quiet either, he made a statement. He always did. weither he bleaching his name on his staff shirt, playing the banjo or harmonica, or whatever, you'd know he was around when he'd leave some mark for the better on you when you'd cross his path. His suicide after being turned away from the mental health facilities has the state legislature considering much needed mental health reform with this petition: http://petitions.moveon.org/sign/stand-with-creigh-deeds-1.fb57?source=s.fb&r_by=9655060 Please sign it if you are from Virginia!
Known to select groups as Sug, Ragnoroth, Lord Gusticles, Gustopher, Gus Gus, and master sense of the squeegee, among other various names, this kid was the most remarkable individual I ever had the pleasure of knowing. He helped shape me into who I am today. Some of the best adventures I've ever been on, were some of his adventures that he took me on. Please excuse my wordy memories, each of them is a gift and an inspiration to shine some light in the dark parts of the world.
I met Gus in confirmation class when I was in middle school. Soon after, when my family moved into the Bath County school system Gus took myself and my brother Joe under his wing as the new kids in town. He warned us about Mrs. Rooklyn, and which kids were friends, and who to avoid. He entertained us with his guess the shape and color mind games, dream interpretation, his own created language similar to Welsh, and the ever famous "Water on the Bus" band until the rubber band chronicles broke out and divided the bus between the front and the back. I have only great memories with this wild, independent, highly intellectual kid. His admirable stubborness led him to grow his hair longer than anyone else wanted him to, and to wear shorts every day for one year even in the Appalachian winters. He had a unique ability to feel or see things about you ( or maybe he just made it up) Everything was always deep with Gus. I didn't know anyone he couldn't get along with, or talk to--except maybe President Bush.
Gus along with friends Tony and Jim christened my brother Joe, friend Michael, and myself into the age old Bath County tradition of catching snipe in grocery bags. A wonderful night in the dark. I'll take you sometime. There’s good snipe habitat on the Walter’s farm. The lot of us were like Everett, Delmar, and Pete just full of nonsense--O Brother. Wrestling matches, Dr. Thunder cans in the campfire, shooting the rifle, listening to Gus play his harmonica while Michael sang the blues. Listening to Gus play his harmonica in the opening act for bluegrass ledgend Dr. Ralph Stanley. Gus would play any instrument with incredible ease, trombone, banjo, anything with strings, even instruments he’d build himself. The countless encounters we shared were nothing but excitement and wonder to me throughout high school, soccer, and summers. Gus' love of music, the history, the mountains, his family, language, horses, the woods, the South, theology, people, just fascinated me. Many times I'd just listen about his political ideals, philosophy, and all the thought provoking insights he'd share. Always fun. He always inspired me to follow my heart no matter how crazy I'd look doing it, and honestly I wouldn't ever get as crazy as he would no matter how hard I tried. Believe me, I've tried.
I don't know if his parents ever knew of the time he made wine in his
closet, or the actual covert operation of him eloping to marry the Spanish
teacher's daughter and move to Columbia with her. No joke they planned that out
with a designated witness and a story to cover it up. Disclaimer: Those
two I wasn't involved in.
Gus helped us win the Beta Club Quiz Bowl state tournament and I got to tag along to the nationals in Nashville as the water boy/alternate. So many others on that Quiz bowl team, and in his classes were gifted seeing Gus' mind full of knowledge. His head was full of stuff. What a mind! He knew so much about everything. He held the high school record for 600's (perfect scores) on Virginia SOL tests, and countless other class awards. He was the Valedictorian of the class of 2007 and his speech was about chasing your dreams and following your heart after high school. "If you enjoy shoveling horse manure," he said, "you shovel that horse manure until your heart's content." He encouraged us not to feel obligated to get any job people expected us to get, but to do what we feel called to. I know there was more to it than horse manure, but that's all I can remember.
After high school, things changed. He had some heartbreak, some ups and downs with relationships and the new exposures that come with freshman year. Who didn't try the alcohol or other things in college? I don't know everything that happened to him. I can only assume as another good ole Bath County boy experiencing the eye-opening world of college It shook up his world emotionally. College did that for me. Among other things I knew seeing the truth about some corruption in politicians from his idealized view of politics with some people he met during his father's campaign for governor, and the emotional toll of the divorce, left him without as much purpose. I saw him in some of his sad times.
He and I reconnected one summer day bailing hay after his freshman year, for the hardest day of work in my life, and then later on for my own campus ministry retreat to Montreat College Conference.He found a welcome place with my misfit friends from my wacky college years.
Following this retreat he got tired of sitting around the house and just up and left in his car with a jar of peanut butter, a spoon, a bible, Walden Pond, his harmonica and banjo, and about $800. This is another tale where I don't have all the details but he found Jesus at the Pacific Ocean, and met a preacher out there who helped guide him in his newly found faith. When he got back faith was much more real to him. It was kind of weird to me, but it gave him a new purpose I think for a while. He became centered around showing love to other people. I don't know if showing love to himself was any part of that--but that's most important in showing love.
Gus made such a mark on my friends Marcus and Tessa that he was a groomsman in their wedding with Joe and I, and the best man Jonathan. Gus and I walked Kathleen, now one of my fellow YAV’s down the aisle.
That summer I applied to be on staff at Nature Camp (an academic camp about the natural world) to teach renewable energy, as a way to show off my college “wisdom”. Gus went to this camp as a kid and was on staff in 2009, and encouraged me to apply several times. I didn't know Gus also applied that summer to teach Appalachian studies or wilderness survival. The camp director Flip in his amazing wisdom paired up the two of us to teach Botany. My mom asked him if he knew what he was getting into putting us together with our old snipe hunting buddy Tony as head male.
Camp brought back the happy crazy Gus from high school—but the sad Gus would come back occasionally. He always talked about camp and how big it was for him as a child, and I think that atmosphere and memory pulled him out of whatever depression and slump he'd been in. He called me up before camp even started and spent about an hour explaining his idea for the botany class. If I could only tell one Gus story it would be about us being teaching partners at Nature Camp—"The closest bond any two people could ever hold," he said. He went on and on that Botany could be like a RPG video game (role playing game) like mind craft, pokemon, or another video game where you enter a world as your own character, collect items and complete tasks to level up, and unlock new skills to continue on. The kids will get to choose their character type which gives them certain gifts or abilities, so some will know medicinal plants, some will know edible plants, some cultivating plants, some the cellular biology of plants, and they would get a plant hero name and perform quests to gain experience points to level up and unlock new abilities. To make a long story short, I edited his idea enough to comfortably run it by Flip, create a few of my own "quests" for the kids with my limited knowledge of plant biology behind it, and we called it "the World of Plantcraft" The kids ate up that nonsense. Gus (Plantcrafter name: Ragnoroth) taught the kids making rope and building shelters from vines and wood, and I (Alexander the Magnificent) would draw cellular pictures of how plant cells in wood are different than in leaves. Gus would show them and have them identify and taste edible leaves, and I'd explain photosynthesis on the white board. He was the level 38 Bard, and I was a level 36 Monk. He made up a written language for the kids to use to crack the code and get past level 7. We focused heavily on edible and medicinal plants, and I really got into that. Honestly Gus' imagination got me into studying botany and farming and started me on the path that led me here to Food Justice Missions in Boston.
Some credit goes to you Master Ragnoroth. You made me into the plantcrafter I am, and I will defend, honor and teach the ways of the World of Plantcraft. I wish Gus would have seen the plantcrafting going on here in Boston and even up in Maine where they taught me to make acorn flour, something he and I never had the patience for. So I'm going to eat my acorns without you Ragnoroth, not cool.
That fall he went back to William and Mary and was signed up for music composition. He was writing for the symphony and completed an ode to Dale Earnhardt! He was back to his old self when I saw him at Christmas.
From my inspiration as Ragnoroth's companion plantcrafter, that next year at college I took college botany (Human Uses of Plants) and a farm internship class (which I liked to call Plantcrafting 101 and 102), and returned to camp this past summer to teach a botany class, but without Gus, with a practicing horticulturalist Kate, and we focused more on and cultivated plants and food. Unfortunately for the kids, I couldn't carry the creativity for the world of plantcraft without Gus and Kate was scared to mess it up so we put that on hold. Gus taught ornithology this summer. He didn't know as much about birds as he did plantcraft, but he studied his butt off to learn what he didn't know and he did a great job as a teacher and as a role model to the kids. While most of us would tell silly little lies to the kids for their enjoyment or camp magic, Gus was all about honesty. I can't tell you how many times he called out another one of us for faking enthusiasm with the kids. "Kids can tell when your faking," he'd say, "then they won't trust you" He taught the kids ways to respect each other, and was all about showing love, respect, and honesty to one another. Even as the head male this summer, his 'supervisor,' I'd seek him out for advice on how to handle homesick kids, or even some disciplinary problems. He understood the kids in a way I couldn't, and I had a lot to learn from him. Countless times his seemingly crazy punishments brought the kids closer in a loving way. Gus received the director's choice staff award for his excellent job this past summer. At least 320 kids and 25ish staff were lucky to have Gus in their lives this summer for his example.
Toward the end of camp this year I felt disconnected with Gus because we weren't as close as when we’d been teaching partners. He was down a lot more of the time than he was up in his relations with the other staff. We all loved him and enjoyed being around him, but there was some disconnect. Granted all of us on staff can be disconnected at times, we're all a little weird. That's why we get hired at Nature Camp. I interviewed Gus about the summer in August, and he got real deep about a lot of that bad stuff. He just wanted people to show love, but in his eyes there was a lot of evil, and selfishness going on. He hated that and took it personal. He couldn't feel a lot of love from others. I encouraged him to come back to camp next year. The kids needed him there, and he needed those kids. They were his source of love. He said camp gave him a world of good during his tough childhood, and he just wanted to give that excitement and love he received from camp back to the kids, because we don't know what their life is like at home. Again, I didn't feel it my place to ask, but at least in high school I thought his home life was fine.
When I came up here to Boston, chasing my interest in Ragnoroth's Plantcrafting, I heard he dropped out of college again and was at home. I tried to contact him several times but no response. I figured he was fine, or maybe he was in his dark place that he thought I wasn't sincere in my words, and I was hiding something--maybe I wasn't sincere. Then that Tuesday I heard he shot himself, and Gus is dead.
It's a lot to process. It will be a while before I really understand it.
There was a lot of pain in his head, he hid it well. I didn't see all of it, some unfortunately saw more than I did, some people were lucky enough not to see any of it, and that’s how I’m going to remember him, the times when he wasn’t in pain. I knew he was fighting something. maybe a demon, maybe depression, maybe a more severe illness like bipolar disorder. It's just sad. Everything was deep with Gus, both the Joy and the pain, but especially the love. He felt things in a different way. A deep way. A way I aspired to feel things.
Gus was too much of a bluegrass musician, he carried alot of pain inside but it inspired some damn good music. But a lot of his music came from joy, especially the dancing. He found a lot of relief in the music, and being around friends. But something toward the end turned him away from friends, and even some family members.
One friend from camp, Katie, reminded me that he gave her assurance on a bad day saying,
"I don't believe in bad days because "bad days" only happen when you can't feel the love that is all around you. Once you realize that the love is always there, it's not possible to have a bad day again."
I regret that we couldn't show Gus love in a way he understood these last months, so many of us tried and I'm angry that whatever was going on in his amazing mind kept him from seeing that love and giving him bad days.
Those words from John's gospel at the beginning remind me of Gus. "In him was life, and that life was the light of men. The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness could not overcome it."
Darkness did not win with Gus. After being illuminated by his life, his mind, and his creativity, I can’t help but bring more light to the dark parts of this world. Just the memories with him inspire me to brighten up the world!
But guess what, John didn’t write that about Gus, he was writing about Jesus Christ, who already has victory over death with the resurrection. Darkness did not overcome Gus. It took him away from this world, and away from us, but not away from God “Neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present not the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord,” I am assured that Gus is held tightly in the arms of God. (Romans 8:38). The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness could not overcome it.
Unfortunately for all of us Gus isn’t lighting up the world any more, now he leaves that work for us, but he’s not fighting his pain any more either. He is in the peaceful rest in the Kingdom of Heaven surrounded by God’s love all around. Never to have a bad day again. And we are left with a hole in our lives without this great friend, and I'm reminded recently of this loss with the sound of bluegrass music, the sight of medicinal plants, and many things he taught me to hold dear. But once we “realize that the love is always there, it’s not possible to have a bad day again.” That hole will be filled with the love of those around us, and we will fill other's emptiness.
Thank you to the many friends, new and old, family, and others who have helped starting to fill this hole in me with love, support, memories, prayers, cards, laughter, non-local food, and a trip home.
Show love to those around you. And make sure you feel the love people are showing you. Don't let people's love to you go unfelt. That hurts them. A lot. Love yourself.
Gus, you gave off a certian light that made us see things differently. see them better. To the world you spoke the gospel. You lived it. You struggled with living it as a falable human, just like the rest of us. And you rest in it now. Rest easy Gus. We love you!
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